


A Boy Is A Gun*

by OkayDirk



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Beards (Relationships), Closeted Character, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Gun Violence, Immaturity, Jealousy, M/M, Multi, Pining, Polyamory, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22549837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OkayDirk/pseuds/OkayDirk
Summary: Dirk Strider is fed up being second choice for Jake English when it comes to relationships. He's tired of seeing this person he knows like a book pretend to be something he's not because of heteronormativity. Jane Crocker finds Dirk's attempt to sway Jake attractive and tries to have both of them under her thumb, but Dirk has something else in mind. "You under oath. Now pick a side and if you don't, I'll pick you both. It's not a joke, murder she wrote" - Tyler the Creator (New Magic Wand - IGOR).
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal/Dirk Strider, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker/Jake English, Jane Crocker/Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. DIRK'S THEME

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna be fucked up but I need to get this idea out of my head so I can get ready to write a real fic.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ridin' round town, they gon feel this one"

Dirk wanders out of Jake's home. It's much cooler than his own, not in terms of decoration but in overall temperature. They wouldn't have been able to keep this kind of pace in a boiling anime dungeon back in Texas. The room smells, but not like a gym, rather like in a home. It smells lived in. Like this was a future where the two of them had always been in there together, minus any of Dirk's belongings. He looks out into the wilds surrounding them from a balcony. "What if we could make this happen?"

Jake finally gets out of bed and wanders to the bathroom. He adjusts his hair, inspects his hickies - none of which are in obvious spots, Dirk was that cautious at least. He knew Jane never cared for shirtless Jake, not like he did.

From the glass door of the balcony there was a straight line of sight to the hallway leading to the bathroom. The two lock eyes, Dirk - hopeful for once, Jake, uncertain, like he needs to bring something up but the weight is absolutely crushing. They meet back in the room, and lay down on Jake's rug. Dirk could lay there next to his man and stare at the ceiling forever. Okay maybe not forever that's impractical but- the thought is quickly interrupted by a nervous Jake.

"Dirk, we uh... We need to talk"


	2. DIRK'S THEME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For real, for real, for real this time"

Texas was hot, and unfortunately Dirk Strider's air conditioning had gone out entirely. He didn't seem to care, because he had just come back from a secret meeting with one Jake English, and he was left in agony blaming himself. This weeaboo was absolutely smitten with this complete himbo, but Jake had framed their meeting as potentially one of their last. No matter how much Dirk wanted to avoid that outcome, their escapade ended on a sour note.

Dirk: Look babe, we can work this out. People don't necessarily need to know about us but we can keep this up, I'm certain. I've already planned for everything, look, babe?  
Jake: We can't Strider, this has been a mistake. It's been interesting at times but it's just not for me. Maybe if you were a girl, haha.  
Dirk: I clearly messed something up, it's not that you aren't into this. I know you are. And if this was a mistake, then were the past two dozen times a mistake? And if so, why draw the line here? Why not at least keep me, your good friend, entertained?  
Jake: Because it's wrong buddy, not in general but for me. Two men? Doing something other than some pugilism? Horsefeathers!  
Dirk: We can incorporate fighting into this. I'm more than willing to change our act, it's just. I think I. Uh. I love... how this feels.

The last bit slipped out, and Dirk couldn't take it back. Even Jake wasn't dense enough to think Dirk wasn't just poorly hiding his feelings. It wasn't just lust, Dirks heart was beating out of his fucking chest and now that emotion was laid bare between these two men - one of which didn't mean to admit this, and the other being mortified. They sat in silence, shirtless on the carpet floor in Jake's apartment. Dirk couldn't even meet his eyes after that. He was beat red, and tears were welling up.

Dirk: You know Jake, I could go public with this.  
Jake remained silent.  
Dirk: Then your ex wouldn't even want you. You'd have nothing to lose and then you could come back to me, and I could treat you right. I know this is my fault, but I can make this right.  
Jake: Just go.

The conversation replayed in Dirks head over and over. He knew he fucked up by threatening to go public, but Jane deserved at least that much. She should know Jake moved on Dirk thought. He slipped on his glasses, and talked to his only non-awkward friend.

TT: Hal,  
TT: I was enjoying a nap  
TT: Just start recording the audio

Dirk laid down some lines going into his heartbreak without naming names. This wasn't for the public, this was vent rap.

"Don't leave, it's my fault,  
And when it all comes crashing down I'll need you..."

He was drenched by the end. Dirk couldn't tell where the sweat stopped an the tears began.


	3. I THINK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This time I think it's for real"

TG: Hal how much longer is he gonna be?  
TT: Uh, he's about done with his usual sobbing in the shower routine.  
TG: How long's it been since ol' Jakey broke his gay little cowboy heart, a couple days? Can you cut him some slack?  
TT: I suppose I can try. I do enjoy having time for our chats though, currently I  
~*~ Auto-Responder has been kicked from the chat ~*~  
TT: Hey Rox, hopefully my /super mature/ brain clone hasn't been bugging you too much.  
TG: Forget about that bro, I'm just glad yer here.  
TT: Yeah well, I'm not really doing much to keep myself busy these days.  
TT: Aside from working on some new tracks, building Squarewave and Sawtooth another robot bro, getting back in shape since I missed a few days of real workout, binging some Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.  
TT: Honestly this has been for the best, the nicest thing that's ever been done for me.  
TT: Been really getting my life on track.  
TG: Yeah I get it, you're very over him, but you two are gonna have to talk at some point, you have like three non-AI friends. Hell, we all do.  
TT: Thanks but I think I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.  
TG: That's clearly going very well.  
TT: Clearly.  
TG: But it's not healthy, maybe we could grab a bite to eat or something. Get you out of the house.  
TT: Oh yeah and maybe I should build a robot to date so I don't have to be so lonely boo hoo. Rox I'm fine.  
TG: Jeez Dirk, just trying to help.  
TT: Tell me, how is it so easy for you with relationships and all. You got lucky finding that green alien.  
TG: Well, first of all I didn't mind them being an alien, it didn't really have any impact on their personality. Plus they're pretty cute.

Dirk opens his other chat window seeing a slew of messages from Caliborn. Mostly taunting or threatening.

TT: Yeah I just. You found the passive one, which good on you. My luck in that department is also not so good. You think I should branch out and seriously talk to that murderous gremlin?  
TG: No I think you should talk to Jake.  
TT: Well he needs to talk to me first or it's a non-starter.  
TG: *sigh* Strider, this whole dating in our friends group was always a mess. It really mucked things up, I don't even feel comfy talking to Janey. Haven't really even since her and Jake started being serious.  
TT: Yeah well, at least I can take comfort knowing that as a group we either branched out or made our own beds to shit to lie in.  
TG: Heh well, offer stands bro. Lemme know if you change your mind.

A familiar face pops up in pesterchat.

TT: I know that was you're intent for leaving, but I'm actually the one that's gotta go. Important robot business.  
TG: 😯

Dirk pops open the other chat window begrudgingly. Before him lies a full paragraph that had been written, deleted, re written, edited, deleted again, re written and left as simply "Jake" but never sent.  
GT: Dirk  
GT: Hey Dirk!  
GT: Gadzooks I really messed things up  
GT: Will you please just talked to me?  
TT: You've reached Hal, Dirk's personal answering system, Dirk isn't here right now, he's off doing something way more interesting than whatever it is you're pestering me about, so it seems like you're stuck with me instead.  
GT: Hal please get Dirk. Tell him, uh.  
GT: Tell him I'm sorry, and I want to start over.  
TT: Jake it's me, you know Hal isn't that formal.  
GT: Who? (Get it, we're starting over)

Dirk turns away and screams into a pillow. A cacophony of anger and sadness and even laughter.

TT: Right, so we're just gonna "start over" then? That's your plan?  
GT: Uh, yeah why not?  
TT: I could list hundreds of reasons why not.  
GT: Well then let's just pick back up from where we left off. Before the last time.  
TT: That's not gonna be easy Jake, the words just keep replaying in my head.  
GT: Well if you want to, head on over. Cleared my schedule. If not, that's okay, I probably deserve that. I really put you through the ringer.

Dirk waits. Looks at his spare glasses.

Hal: Dirk, my bro, my creator, this is a bad idea.  
Dirk: Mind your business, Auto-Responder.  
Hal: :<

TT: On my way.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hal: Step out of the narrative with me as I fast forward us through a couple of weeks of nonsense. Dirk's been busy, uh working out, and actually trying to be sincere with Jake. I know something he doesn't though, and since it won't come up in this chapter, I won't bore you with the details either. I now return you to the regularly scheduled slow motion car-crash that is Dirk's love life.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The temp is rising, but neither Jake nor Dirk particularly care. The two are two hundred and sixty feet in the air. Jake is clutching his seat doing anything not to look down so his eyes are easily met by Dirk's as they peer into his green soul.

Jake: Dirk. We're gonna die.  
Dirk: No, no we're not.  
Jake: Dirk, this is very high up. I think a ferriswheel was a bad idea.  
Dirk put his hands on the white knuckle gripped fist of his man.  
Dirk: It's gonna be okay, you got me.  
Jake relaxes just enough to loosen his grip and hold his hand in return.  
Jake: The view is nice I guess, but did brobot really have to operate the gears?  
Dirk: I mean. Nobody else is around. Look, I've been meaning to talk to you.  
Jake: Y-yeah?  
Dirk: What was your goal for all this? Your end game? And furthermore, why'd you change your mind?  
Jake checks his phone.  
Jake: Dirk we should be off of this in a few minutes, can this wait?  
Dirk: No, Jake, no it can't. If this is just for fun, I can live this that, but I wanted to be certain you weren't just building me up just to knock me back down again. Because I don't know if I could take it. And I wanted to make sure you couldn't just brush this off or walk away. So what is it.  
Jake nervously leans in and smooches him right in the forehead.  
Jake: You know me Dirk. You know me better than anyone. If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be on this bizarre contraption. And if I wanted this to be a silly little sneaking around thing, I think you would have already figured that out. I'm here, with you, in public, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm just scared of heights, but we'll, heck.  
He stands up nearly bumping his head on the roof.  
Jake: "I'm here on my own personal Everest with my boyfriend, Dirk Strider!"  
Dirk is sweating real bad. He is excited and terrified. Is this even real? Certainly he's still in his shower, passed out, waiting to be awoken by his annoying 13-year-old-self brain copy Hal. He pinches himself, and nope, it hurts. He's really here, that really did happen. Perhaps the Page has finally surpassed his self enforced boundaries.  
Dirk: Jake, sit back down you're rocking the chair.  
With no hesitation Jake slumps back down, blushing.  
Dirk: Jake I think I can get used to this. I think, I think I'm falling in love, and for the first time in my splintery fake ass life, this time I think it's for real.  
The ferriswheel starts to move them slowly back down to the ground and Jake tightens his grip on the seat again.  
Jake: I - I love ya too bro, but can the rest of this wait my heart is beating out of my chest.  
Dirk: Yeah, same. We can wait, I'd hate to rush anything and miss something.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hal: And just like that, he's back under the thumb of this golgothas Terror. It's funny how considering Dirk's obsession with puppets and need for control just how much he lets himself be puppeteered by a pretty face and well-filled short shorts. As they say, exactly what you run from, you end up chasing. Like, you can't avoid, but just chasing it and just like trying, giving it everything that you can, there's always an obstacle. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


	4. RUNNING OUT OF TIME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Livin' in pretend  
> Keep it a buck fifty fuck,  
> Livin' in pretend  
> Are you?"

A few weeks go by of cute date ideas and appropriate amounts of snuggling, but Jake constantly has to dip out for training. "Don't wanna lose my touch, Strider, or I'll never be able to keep up with you". The frequent excuse, but it's believable. We are now in the depths of the summer, the heat is approaching dangerous levels. The two find themselves on a beach. Under a green and orange striped umbrella is a pair of sentient glasses, resting on a My Little Pony towel, controlling a boom box it's resting against. Tyler the Creator's "She" blares from the antique music player.

"A sword sliced the air, I pulled out the na-na  
Rolled off the bed then shot back, pa-pa  
Blood on the sheets probably spillin' from my gash  
Looked out the glass, seen you sprintin' on the grass  
A real ninja with the blade and the mask"

The two lovebirds are out in the ocean, Hal stays here distracting himself. The shadow of approaching footsteps.

Hal: Oh great, this is where the wave finally crests.

Out in the waves [Strife]

Jake: Dodge this, ya punk.

He takes out some water pistols and fires off some shots. Dirk, as expected, hops out of the way nimbly. A wave rises up and he wall runs across the curl, dragging a black pool noodle beside him. Jake is amazed at the swiftness, so much so that it's too late to dodge a retaliatory attack. Dirk jumps past Jake and on the way lightly taps his neck with the pool noodle.

Dirk: That would've been yer head, clean off.

The wave crashes over both of them and sends them flailing and awkward to the shore. Dirk ends up on his knees where he finds Jake laying out flat with eyes closed.

Dirk: Oh god damn it. Did you actually? Were you even under the water for that long?  
Jake:  
Dirk: ugh, c'mere - Strider's gotta save the day again.

Dirk leans in the begin CPR when Jake retaliates by using some tongue and continues the lip contact as a kiss. It catches the blonde weeaboo so off guard that he falls over.

Jake: And that time, YOU left yourself open, you rapscallion.

The laugh and smooch again, this time neither worrying about the others' demise.

???: Ooh hoo hoo, how adorable.  
Jake: Oh no.  
Dirk: Excuse me, but what the actual fuck? Were you watching us Jane, cause that's just creepy.  
Jane: Creepy? I'm keeping an eye on my real estate and making sure the renters don't trash the place up too bad while Mama's away.  
Dirk:  
Jake:  
Jane: ...Oh dear, Jakey you didn't tell him? This must be incredibly awkward for you.  
Dirk: Tell me what Jake?  
Jake: Now Dirk, it's not what it looks like.  
Dirk: Tell me WHAT Jake?  
Jake: So she obviously knows about us right?  
Dirk: Sure.  
Jake: What if I were to tell you she orchestrated all of this. Us getting back together. Cause she could tell how heartbroken I was and how upset I was after ending things with you.  
Dirk: Then I'd say that was pretty sweet if not for the fucking real estate comment.  
Jane: Jake you sure are awful at explaining, you wait until now and you still can't even do it right. Allow me. Me and Jake are a thing. We never split up. You and Jake are also a thing. Jake has too much, er, stamina, for either of us to truly be able to handle alone. Plus the idea of the two of you together really works for me.  
Dirk: I'm out.

He gets up and starts walking for his towel and glasses.

Jake: It's for real this time Dirk, you walk away now, don't expect to hear from either of us again. But if you stay, we can still be together, just not, oh you know, exclusively.

Dirk stares at the sky for a moment, not a single damn cloud in sight. He rushes for the towel to grab Hal and wear em, so the others don't see his angry tears.

Hal: [Yeah I knew-]  
Dirk: [shut it, the adults are talking]  
Dirk: Okay. You win Jane. We can still work this out, but no more encroaching non each other's time. Deal?  
Jane: Oh absolutely.

Jake stands behind the two people who are discussing his fate, too indecisive and unconvicted to weigh in himself.

Dirk: And this is what you want Jake? Hell bro, it's clearly what you've wanted, you've been doing this all along anyways. The training. Of course, the fucking training. Yeah cool, fine by me. It's chill.

Jake simply nods, still super embarrassed.

Jane: Excellent, now come along little puppy dog, the day's not done yet.

Jake looks at Jane, then at Dirk, and then back at Jane. Like he needs permission from his one significant other to spend time with the other.

Dirk: Go ahead, I need some space today anyways.  
Jane: Toodle-oo! 😘


	5. NEW MAGIC WAND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wanna be found,  
> passenger in your car.  
> You wanna be mean,  
> mixed signals don't park.  
> She's gonna be dead,  
> I just got a magic wand-  
> we can finally be together..."

In progress - to be updated soon


End file.
